Rejection fuels Non con: Opinions?

[Jitensha]

First off, thanks @Olo for pointing out that this is a safe space to share these sorts of thoughts!
I’m a tiny lady, so I don’t struggle with the same exact feelings as @Giant-me but I certainly can relate with somethings.

I can’t tell you where my non-con fantasies came from, but it’s something I’ve always enjoyed. A revenge fantasy can be fun - I certainly love playing a brat/bitch and being put in my place! But this is not my personal motivation. It’s totally fine if that’s what you fantasize about though, as long as it’s not affecting your IRL behavior. I know that’s easy to say, as traditionally I’m the receiver of the abuse, but I’m a very ambitious, strong willed, feminist woman. It doesn’t feel good morally to have these fantasies…that part I get.

I’m not sure if your fantasies played a role in your relationships ending, but it at least seems like there was some lack of clear communication. Maybe not sharing enough of your fantasies kept things disconnected or boring in the bedroom. But that’s speculation. The clear fact is that she didn’t feel comfortable enough to share her fantasies with you, because instead of communicating, she turned to another man. Most people in the community under share - which I get. Nobody likes to be vulnerable. She might have had the most boring, vanilla fantasy in the world, and still might feel as embarrassed to talk about sex like the rest of us kinky weirdos lol. I highly recommend in any future relationship, to prioritize transparent communication and unbiased acceptance. There are people in the community who communicate their fantasies, find out they’re not compatible, and they break up. It sucks. But every couple I’ve known like that has moved on to find better, mature, stronger relationships.

The way that I came to terms with my dark fantasies was sharing them with my husband. Not just verbally, but actually engaging with him in the fantasy. Together. My husband has always enjoyed being a smart-ass bully with me, and enjoyed a few dominant non-con fantasies here and there (slapping, choking, free-use, etc), but my size fantasies, and generally my dark fantasies, went quite a bit further than what he was interested in. There are some fantasies of his that I humor, and vice versa. With this mindset, we were able to explore and experience lots of fun, sexy new things we might not have experience otherwise. We’ve found over time that we actually mesh pretty well sexually. While many of our engagements are non-con, my husband is in no way a monster. He is a romantic, thoughtful gentleman!!

Why? Well, he might be waking me up in the morning as he pulls down my underwear and covers my mouth with his hand. But he (1) knows I love it (2) woke me up around the time my alarm goes off so I don’t lose sleep (3) considered if I had work/appointment to go to wherein he might be taking up precious time (4) considered if I was feeling well the night before, am on my period, etc. He’s actually pretty thoughtful!! I live a Dominant/submissive relationship with him, and those provide us certain pre-agreed to rules/limitations for each of us to live by. If he walked up to me right now, held my arms back and kicked my legs open to fuck me, this would be a POSITIVE interaction for me. It’s all about personal preference, there’s nothing inherently bad about it. What you do in your private home with your consenting partner is your business.

When my husband and I are roleplaying, I revel in him treating me like an object or pet for him to do as he pleases. He can choke me out, leave bruises, take a piss right in my face while he laughs, and I love it!! Doing something that’s subjectively bad, doesn’t mean my husband is a bad man! Everything he does is actually with CONSIDERATION and RESPECT for me!! My husband has supported me as a friend and partner, whether that be starting my own business or running my own convention, he’s never held me back from any ambition. He is cool, calm and collected, never loses his temper and always makes time for me. He always considers my opinions, cares about my thoughts and picks me always above anyone else (his family, friends, etc). I also return the respect to him as well. That’s the beauty of communication. Security. Validation. The maturing of our relationship was worth every single uncomfortable conversation.

And I mean, I had a conversation with him once where I wanted him to facesit on me, and I wanted him to twitch his asshole, because it was scarier for me. Like, who has these conversations? Apparently, me.

[Giant me]

@jitensha Thanks for your view on this, and creating this place where I’ve gotten to know myself and others better. If you have a great life and you’re happy good for you. Don’t read this any further because it is a negative POV when it comes to love. Sorry to bring anybody down, but this is the way it is for some people. This is just my take on this at this point in time.

For me rejection and disappointment have been a main theme in my life, and I have mental issues that I continue to work through. I’m going to say you are one of the many lucky ones who has found true love, I wish I could have been as lucky, but I’m not, I’m coming from the bitter point of view where love has turned out as a sour situation in my life and continues to be, maybe it will change, I can only hope and be jealous of those who have it. I make a lot friends but, not love connections. I used to be optimistic, but I’ve experienced too much negative. My fetish is all I have sometimes, without love in my life everything else often seems meaningless because I’ve been alone a long time now, my last quasi love relationship was years ago now. Both my parents are deceased, and my friends and siblings have their own lives, but I have social media to stay in touch and, I often come here to feel better about myself. It’s uplifting to see so many people with the same fetish fantasy, with many takes on it. I’m going to wander off alone now… that seems to be my current lot in life.

[Jitensha]

@giant-me if you want a relationship, it’s certainly never too late for it! Of course there are people who no longer care to play the “dating game” and are more content living on their own - and hey, if that’s you, that’s totally fine. Your negative feelings about love are completely valid, especially after all you’ve been through. You don’t have to worry about venting in front of me or other die-hard romantics. Please speak freely

I know I’m EXTREMELY lucky that I found my husband. Relationships seem to be something that many people struggle with in this community, which is why I try and speak openly about mine. I want to normalize it. I didn’t have hope I’d find happiness growing up because of my fetish. Hell, there were moments I felt like that after I got married too! Hopefully a positive example can encourage other people to explore their kinky relationships too! But hey, it wasn’t love at first sight with my husband and I. We worked a real long time at what we have. I don’t have doubts anymore, but we’ve been a couple for 15 years now! We’ve had a lot of opportunities to make mistakes lol.

I’m sorry you don’t have a lot of support in your life. That’s one area that I could relate to until my husband came into my life. I’ve struggled since I was a child connecting with either of my parents, and was having suicidal thoughts by my early 20’s. There were somethings that I went through, like sexual abuse as a child for example, that my parents just brushed off. There are other cold scenarios like this with my parents and I, where you would hope they would either defend, console or sympathize at all, but they didn’t. The tl;dr is that going into adulthood, no one had my back except my husband. I honestly feel THIS is the reason I’m lucky.

Part of the reason I’m moving to Japan is to get some freakin’ peace from my family. Even now, as I slowly approach middle age, I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship I want with my parents will never happen. We can’t always choose which relationships we get in life, or when they end, but I at least hope you’ve had a few good ones.

[Giant me]

@jitensha I wonder why they say, to love and to have lost is better than to not have loved at all. I was in a 10 year relationship that was good at some point till it went bad, I was verbally abused and bullied as a child, I’ve been to war, I’ve had psychiatrists and psychologists help and meds just haven’t worked to make me feel like a whole person. It doesn’t feel good at any age to be heartbroken or lonely, feeling nothing will be good again. I vent a lot, I remember when things were good, I was younger, but not so wise, but I was happy at one point when I was oblivious. Thanks for giving me room to let go. I often realize I associate/relate to favorite TV and movie characters Like, Doctor Who’s David Tenant’s 10th doctor very moody when alone and often destructive, Buffy the Vampire slayer’s loneliness in failed relationships and Life responsibilities getting in the way, Dexter’s dark passenger not giving him peace, Mr. Franz in Attack of The Puppet People, he shrunk people to keep him from being lonely as a captured audience he could control. Even a huge beast like King Kong needs to be loved and understood. Media has taught me life lessons as much as real life has. My family life seems gone or barely there, so I’m looking elsewhere for mental and emotional support to get through this part of me, that feeling of being somewhat wrong in my views and attitude. People here have been kind to me. I do have things to be grateful for, but I miss having someone to share things with and rely on /count on IRL outside of just using a keyboard and mouse. Thanks again for your response, and for being so kind to me. I remember when I started my online fetish journey when I met you and others that appreciated my artwork when I first started sharing it.

[Giant Gripper]

@giant-me
If you want to get all freudian about it… maybe? I didn’t have the best home life growing up, but I’ve almost never had trouble finding relationships. Almost every breakup I’ve ever experienced has been me breaking it off with my partner. I never hold ill-will or animosity towards my exes (Even though I’m pretty sure some of them hold it against me for breaking their hearts). Interpersonal relationships are very important to me on a spiritual level and an interpersonal relationship that involves sex is sacrosanct.
Non-con fantasies are almost NEVER about revenge or bitterness (extreme fringe cases, and even then I don’t usually know the people I’m fantasizing about personally). Noncon fantasies are about CONTROL. Life has not been kind to me on a consistent basis. Feelings of anxiety and misery due to the dog-shit nature of the world we live in manifest themselves as a need to control my partner during sex. If I was a cultural conservative, I would probably express this by becoming John Wayne Gacy. Fortunately, the kink community found me first. This is why sexual and kink education as well as sex positivity are issues so close to my heart. I’m grimly aware of what happens to disaffected young men who aren’t taught concepts like “Consent” or “Boundaries”. Do I think sexual and kink education will stop every Elliot Rodger wannabe before they pop off? Of course not. But if I could stop half of them, hell if I could stop ONE then the world would be an objectively better place.
Empathy drives my non-con fantasies. I’ve got my kink drivers license, so I know how to express myself sexually in a way that’s gratifying to me AND my partner. There is no bitterness, only joy.

[Giant me]

@giant-gripper Thank you for a great response and take on this. I fully agree it’s never a personal situation, the world is not often fair in its game either, the cards we are dealt are not always in our favor, we just adapt and move on. I’m bitter with a person’s world view that people must have certain qualities to be accepted, I wasn’t this or that enough or worthy of their time and love. Examples; not tall enough, thin/athletic enough, cool enough, smart enough, confident enough, dark/cruel enough etc., to be in their world. Some people can’t accept people for what or who they are. Some people just use others to get what they want not accept them. A crush I had didn’t give me attention till I lost enough weight for their standards, another crush I wasn’t tall enough etc., my ex wife didn’t indulge my sexual fantasies, just ignored them, it was too late when I realized later on I was being used for sex, money, and maid service not loved/cared about. It’s just not my ex, it’s other people I want or wanted to spend my time with. When I had a partner it was about joy, till it was over. Intimacy/connection in a love relationship, respect, trust, sacrifice, sympathy, empathy, and understanding are keys in a relationship that’s what makes it work. What is my view of what real love is, well Joy is achieved by and through another person’s happiness making you happy for them and by them, sacrificing of yourself and things to keep that happiness going, sharing things, hopes, dreams, romance, and goals in life. Basically one sided relationships suck and being rejected for nonsense reasons do too. When truth smacks you in the face you will be/feel alone even when you’re with someone, not a joyful place to be. Been there done that, break up time and loneliness.

[Jitensha]

@giant-me It’s true that people have certain qualities they want in a partner, and it’s a shame that your partners weren’t up front of how they felt about yours. The positive is that you’ve realized this, so you don’t waste your time again on a woman who won’t appreciate you for who you are. I honestly think a lot of people go through this, I know my sister did with her horrible, cheating ex-husband. She dated other men for 10 years after her divorce, but finally got serious with her current boyfriend of 4 years. It took quite a bit of playing the dating game, but she got a catch. He’s genuinely a really great man and I’m so happy for both of them. But my sister admits, when she was younger she didn’t really know what she want. And honestly, I don’t think it’s fair for society to assume that we know what we want without experiencing life, relationships, etc.

I hope you do find that special someone if you want it, because you certainly deserve it!

[Giant me]

@jitensha Thank you for such a thoughtful and caring answer, very true, society forces rules upon us that don’t really matter, some are meant to be broken, and sometimes love makes us blind to the truth about the other person’s true nature to make us happy.
I give you two analogies, the two-way street and the sinking ship for love advice.
Love is a two-way street, giving has to come from both sides with reasonable compromises in traffic/a relationship or you get car crashes with possible fatalities/broken hearts and divorces. So, follow the road rules, pay attention to the other driver’s moving violations like being cut off (say no to road rage, be cautious but not overly.), and watch out for construction along the way. Safe driving to you and your passenger/partner.

The sinking ship, some relationships don’t work, however you patch a leaking ship with the wrong materials and without knowledge it will still eventually sink even if it looks good and stays afloat for a while. If one side is sinking, by ignoring it the whole ship will sink. Other holes will come, repairs are always needed, tears in the sail also will need sowing. Do it right with damage control/upkeep and with the right stuff/two-sided happiness motives to keep it floatingly ship shape. Smooth sailing ahead to you, still be aware, watch out for rocks and icebergs in the journey (real life isn’t easy) but, remember to have fun and laughs along the way together with your shipmate/partner.

[Technomage]

Not at all for me.

As much as I enjoy revenge or poetic justice scenarios for the fun of them, I’ve grown (lol) to love scenarios of pure unfairness, in wich I take away the life of a nice, good woman with hopes and dreams to turn her into my little plaything.

I don’t tend to fantasize with women I know or who have rejected me, because IRL I find women’s disinterested in physical contact with me extremely unattractive, to the point I couldn’t enjoy sex with really hot women because they weren’t really into me. When a woman it’s all over me, and shows absolute adoration towards me, I find her extremely attractive, no matter her appearance, that’s what I like in real life, and contradicts itself in the fact I love to force tiny women to be my sex toys, that’s because extreme power difference and domination is what turns me on, like nothing else, and I’m not ashamed at all to feel like that and enjoy something so intoxicating, I’m glad to be able to feel like that.

If you love revenge or rejection scenarios is completely fine, you don’t have to justify your thoughts to anyone, we’re all grownups here.

ENJOY.

[Giant me]

@technomage True, I have to admit I have that dark side of me too that enjoys the power, and I want a partner who can accept that kinky side of me as well. I dream of that often.
Dark side Kelly Clarkson video