This is also a question I’ve explored in therapy with some manner of lucidity, so I’ll offer my personal psychoanalysis as a response.

Without going into uncomfortable detail, I’m a CSA survivor who used to dissociate during unwanted physical contact. Dissociation can feel different depending on the individual but in my case it was rather out of body. I had particular places I could fixate on and those places were often only accessible to something mouse-sized, like under a dresser or a crack between furniture or appliances. So dissociation often put me in these spots, where I felt unseen and safe. I was just some mouse on the floor, not the girl across the room staring blankly at it to get through the next few minutes.

So for me this is two things when not in a sexual context: trust and safety. My therapist suggested that I had reassociated meaning and identity to my dissociated self (my small self) and that meaning was basically “small, unseen = safe”. This redefinition persisted even after I learned to manage that symptom.

The other half of this probably came about later, but my need for a trusted adult relationship overlapped with the need to feel unperceived. It sounds contradictory. However, I find there’s a sweet spot there- if I’m hidden from the world, I feel safe. Now slot in someone I actually do trust to shield and keep me hidden and secret, it pushes all the right buttons.

All said above, I value more one-on-one interactions. A fantasy for me is never being shrunk on a bus, or in a club, or being shared with a group of giants. I want and need one special giant I can trust entirely and will hide me in his pockets when I feel overwhelmed. These intimate encounters fill my heart with something I just can’t replicate any other way. The only truly safe state of being is being tiny and out of sight.

On Top Of The World