Don't Stop on My Account

[2ndSoleSurvivor]

Hey there, little one! I know what you’re thinking. ‘Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?’.

Let me be perfectly clear with you. It’s nothing personal. I’m a busy giant, and I just wanted an iced coffee. You pathetic little humans in line were just getting in my way. An man of my stature shouldn’t have to wait for minutes on end to get what he wants. So since you guys insisted on wasting my time, I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands, or feet rather. Now the five humans keeping me from my iced coffee have turned into four red splatters on my toes. Only one more to complete the set.

No, no, no. There’s no point in trying to leave now. You had plenty of opportunity to get out of the way earlier. Now you’re going to have to suffer the consequences of your actions. So any last words before-

be deep be deep

(Checks watch) Shit, is it that time already? Look, sorry little guy. I’d love to stay around and grind you into paste under my sole like I did with the rest of the folks in line, but I really need to get going.

Hey, I have an idea! I could take you with me on my grand adventure! It’ll be fun. You get to watch me have a little fun in the city, I get my appointment done, and then I can do whatever I want with you once I’m done. How does that sound?

…

No, I wasn’t really asking. That’s what’s called a rhetorical question, little guy. You don’t actually get a say in whether you go with me. I’m twelve times your size, so that should have been obvious. Now get on top of my hand before I get upset. I swear, sometimes I think Aaron is the only human whose brain isn’t as small as his body. Now get on my hand so we can walk while we talk.

Oh, yeah. Probably should have mentioned this earlier, but Aaron is the person we’re going to see. He’s my financial planner, and we’re discussing my stock portfolios today. You see, unlike a little wage-slave like you, I’m actually preparing for my future. My money is making me more money. Thus I can enjoy a lovely early retirement, where I can do what I enjoy doing best, which is fucking with you pathetic humans. Aaron’s really good too. My portfolio’s been steadily growing for years now. I’d recommend him to you, but I know you couldn’t afford his consultation fees even if you had money worth investiIIIIIIIIIIIII!

cruuuuuunch car alarm

MY FOOT! Fucking god almighty! The chassis of that car just gashed the hell out of my foot. Why is this car even here? This is a tow-away zone. What fucking asshole leaves their shit out in the open where people could step on it?

“My car! What happened!?!? What asshole totalled my caaaaa… Oh my god! I’m so sorry, Mr. Barnes! Please, I didn’t know!”

“Hey you! Is this your car? What sort of person just leaves their car in the middle of a tow-away zone? Now my foot’s gashed up, and your car is a wreck!”

“It won’t happen again Mr. Barnes! I promise! I was only there for a second because of an emergency. I’ll cover any medical bills to get your foot fixed up. I’ll do anything you want. Just forgive-”

“Whatever, just take your stupid car and get out of my sight.”

“Wait, what are you … NOOOO!”

Kick clash bash SPLAT car alarm

First she can’t park her car so it’s not in the way of my feet. Then, she can’t even get out of the way of her own car when I kick it back to her. I swear, how do people get old enough to drive without learning how to clean up after themselves. And people call me inconsiderate! Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t human parents teach their children to pick up after themselves as children …

Actually, I just realized I don’t know your name. Why don’t I call you ‘Runt’? That sounds like the perfect name for a little runt like you.

…

Runt, that was another rhetorical question! Quit answering those! I don’t care what your stupid name is. I want to call you Runt, so I will.

Looks like we’re getting pretty close to Aaron’s office. Looks like I’ll still make it despite the hold-up you put me through at the coffee shop. Hey, Runt! See that woman over there. She doesn’t seem too busy, so I want to show you something cool.

“Hey, put me down!”

Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, the thing I wanted to show you? Not yet. We actually need to get to Aaron’s office before I can show you. Don’t worry though, I promise it will be worth the wait.

“Hey! Are you ignoring me?”

“Yes, now shut up.”

See that building, Runt? That’s the place! This is where the money magic happens! And that squirrely looking guy with the thick glasses and the comb-over is Aaron. He doesn’t look like much, but that guy’s a genius! And he’s the funniest guy you’ll ever meet. Trust me!

“Hey Aaron! Great seeing you again! How’s business?”

“Ah, Mr. Barnes. Good afternoon. It’s been a rough month. The economy has been doing poorly, and we have some things to discuss about your … Um, Mr. Barnes. Do you have friends with you? I don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of making their acquaintance.”

“Ah, this little guy over here is Runt. We met at a coffee shop and have really hit it off. We’re having a day together, and he’s not that talkative, so don’t mind him.”

“Nice to meet you … Runt. What about your other friend?”

Okay, Runt. This is it. Pay very close attention to Aaron’s face for this next bit.

“This bitch? Trust me, Aaron. This fuckwad is no friend of mine. I was just about to show her what happens when you fuck with somebody like me.”

“What are you talking about? What do you … Oh god! Please! Don’t put me in your mouth. I’m begging you! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

slurp suck suck CRUNCH

Hey, so don’t tell Aaron, but I didn’t even know this person before I picked her up today. But did you see the look on Aaron’s face when I bit down into her? It was hilarious! Aaron’s never been good with violence, so whenever I do any fucked up shit in front of him, it always gets a good reaction. See, watch this.

crunch crunch crunch

Look at him. He flinches every time I bite down. Let me tell you, there are more good things about being huge than I could even count, but if I had to list my favorite things about being a giant, reactions like that would definitely be in my top 30. Top 40 at the very worst. gulp Told you it would be worth the wait!

“Um, Mr. Barnes. I’m not interrupting am I?”

“Oh, my bad! Runt distracted me. You must pardon my manners. We were going to discuss my portfolio growth, right? I know the market has been bad recently, so what does the damage look like?”

“Well, here’s the thing. So you know about West Harbor International, right?”

“Know about it? Of course I know about it. Their headquarters was right where I wanted to set up my new mansion, so I mushed all their bigwigs into paste and got the property dirt cheap! Why?”

“Well, you didn’t quite ‘mush up’ all of their bigwigs. Unfortunately, you were a major shareholder, and when their American branch folded, you ended up with some pretty huge losses.”

“Oof. Ah well, such is life. What sort of money are we talking after the WHI loss and the economic drop? One million? Ten million?”

“Well … a quarter of a billion dollars, sir.”

“See, that wasn’t so bad. It’s just a quarter of a million dollars. That’s not even a bad as I was expe-”

“No, Mr. Barnes. Billion dollars. With a B.”

“I think you must have your numbers mixed up. The economy’s bad, but it isn’t that bad. Hand me that spreadsheet! Surely it isn’t that bad.”

…

“WHAT THE FUCK, AARON! How the hell did you manage to lose over 200 million dollars in a month? What am I paying you for, stupid!?!?”

“It’s not my fault, sir! You keep destroying businesses that you have a vested interest in. Not only that, but your legal fees are starting to catch up with you. Just the property damage cases alone are really stacking up. I promise I can get us back on track, if you’ll just give me one more chance. I’m sure if you just maybe thought of destroying the city a little less we could bring in a few huge savings. Maybe drop a few of your more expensive habits for the time being…”

Runt, are you hearing this shit? First he loses $250,000 dollars, then he accuses ‘me’ of being the one that’s bad with money? That’s just ridiculous!

“Aaron, this really doesn’t seem to be working out. It’s clear that my financial future is more than you can handle, so it’s time we went our separate ways.”
“Wait, please! You don’t have to do this. We can rebuild! WAIT! crack AAAUUUGGGHH! splat

Ugh, that got all over my hand! Sorry about that, Runt. Aaron isn’t usually that braindead. So this entire day has sucked. I didn’t get my iced coffee, I busted my foot, and I’m several million in the hole. How could things possibly get worse?

And before you even think about opening your mouth, that was another rhetorical question. Do not answer!

Though if you were to answer, I guess as bad as my day was, at least I made sure Aaron had a worse one. And that inconsiderate car guy. And the woman I ate. And all those people in line. Oh, and …*

I hope you all enjoyed. I’ve been really into rping recently, so I thought a story inspired by an rp style would be worth trying for a while. From there, the personal nature of the one-sided dialogue and the reliance on sound effects naturally pushed the story into a more comedy-centric direction. Let me know what you think!