In my fantasy, the way I look can change quite a bit. But there is one consistency, power, I am powerful.
My every action, no matter how small or minor to me, is like a force of nature to the poor tiny I’m interacting with. Unstoppable, unyielding, nothing can be done to stop me when I want to do something. The woman in my hand, the entire world really, is so utterly and completely at my mercy that even if I’m being kind, I’m terrifying.
IRL, I try my best to be kind and considerate. From my earliest days, I have always been a bit bigger than the other kids, vertically and horizontally. So every adult always told me “Be careful when playing, you’re bigger than them” And that has more or less shaped my entire personality growing up.
But that has always been a source of pain for me. The things I like, and the way I was raised to behave, clash. The good person I try to be, and the horror I enjoy being, both equally disgusted by the other. I’m not self-harming anymore, so I am getting better, but I still feel at war with me myself sometimes. The good man I try to be, and the devil I feel is the real me… I don’t see myself being my own best friend any time soon.
