Chapter 37
Aiden
My body did me a solid last night. I figured there was no way I’d be able to sleep at all after everything that happened, no matter how exhausted I was. The pain was too fresh, too raw, too much. But maybe it’s because it was too much that I shut down. I ended up passing out as if slipping into death.
And yet, when I wake up this morning, it may be with a clearer, more rested mind, but it’s with nothing but anxious thoughts. It doesn’t feel like yesterday was real. Never in my entire life had I considered what it might be like to assault someone. Much less by accident. I can still hear her screams every time I close my eyes and I’m not sure it’s something I’ll ever get over.
I’ve also never attempted to share the inner workings of my sexuality with anyone, much less with someone who unwillingly embodies the epitome of my fantasies. It’s something that would have been embarrassing no matter what, but in this particular context the shame feels insurmountable. How am I going to face Evie now? How do we get through this?
I roll over to stare at the tiny paper crane on my nightstand and try to think about the upcoming day. I have double office hours for work so I’ll be out from morning to evening. I kinda wish I could just sneak out the window… I want to give the poor girl some space. Or maybe I’m just being a total coward. But no, I’ll need to enter the other room at some point, we’ll need to acknowledge each other eventually. Maybe there’s a way to ease into it, though. I pick up my phone and my pulse quickens as I type out a text message.
How are you doing? Are you ok?
I send it before I can chicken out and then put my phone down with a sigh, rubbing at my face in both an attempt to wake up and to calm down. I’m surprised by how quickly she answers.
Come in here ya big dummy : )
I smile, quickly getting misty-eyed with immense relief and gratitude. I’m not sure exactly what I expected - maybe the silent treatment, or her saying she needs space, or her dismissively telling me that she’s fine. But this response gives me the strength to get out of bed. I pause in the doorway before I turn the corner, heart still racing, and take some steadying breaths as I pray that I don’t screw up this next interaction.
Evie’s waiting on the other side of the desk from where her stuff is, closer to where I come in, as if to be on neutral ground. She’s perched herself up on top of a stapler and sits there with a gentle smile that makes my stomach twist the moment we make eye contact. I weakly try to return the smile, taking a few steps forward before stopping. My intention is to hover where her voice is just within my earshot without getting too close too quickly.
"Did you get some sleep?” she calls out.
“I did,” I say with a nod. I motion hesitantly just ahead of myself and ask, “Um, is it okay if I…?”
“Yeah, come sit down.”
Despising how big I am right now, I take one more step forward and reach out for the chair, rolling it just a little closer to me before I take a seat so that I’m not right up against the desk.
She looks so fragile and helpless sitting up on a stapler that’s as big as a rhinoceros compared to her. So little… Seriously, thank god I didn’t end up crushing her or anything yesterday. Thank god she’s safe.
I’d thought about what I wanted to initially say to her before I came in, so I push myself to say it now. “Hey so… I’m sorry I had such a meltdown last night… and made a bad situation worse. Especially since you were the actual victim. I guess I was so worried that you’d see me as a monster that I sorta became just that.”
“You’re not a monster, Aiden…” Evie soothes, her voice a balm on my fried nerves. “It’s alright. You’re allowed to have feelings.”
I’m admittedly a little thrown off by how nice she’s being. She’s not acting afraid of me the way she did last night, she’s acting the way she always had before. Which, concerningly, does involve her glossing over her own needs sometimes.
I lean in, just slightly. “And how are you feeling?”
I see the first sign that things aren’t 100% back to normal in the way her shoulders tense and her smile becomes pained. “Yesterday was a lot,” she admits, “I’m still trying to sort it all out. But I’ve been doing some thinking and there’s two things I want to make clear.”
She hops off of the stapler and takes a step towards me, and reflexively I push myself back in my chair, still worried about being too close.
“For one,” she says, ignoring my retreat, “You grabbing me was a total freak accident. I know you never would have done that normally, and I forgive you, okay?”
I close my eyes for a second, letting that wash over me as I inhale. I still don’t feel any less guilty, but the fact that Evie’s so readily extending this olive branch still rocks me to my core. “Thank you,” I sigh, voice wavering as I open my eyes again, “I owe you big time.”
She smiles again before continuing. “The other thing is that I don’t blame you for keeping your fantasies a secret from me. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how hard that must have been for you to tell me, of all people. I get it.”
I stare, dumbfounded, and she turns her gaze down to her fingers as she messes with a strand of her hair.
“A kink doesn’t define you,” she adds nervously, “I still don’t completely understand it so I might have some questions going forward, but… if you can still treat me like a friend and not just some kind of object then we’re good. You think that’s possible?”
“Of course,” I say immediately before I stutter out, “You are being… insanely understanding.”
She sighs and looks up at me, her brown doe eyes shining pitifully. Her voice is soft enough that I have to lean in again. “I don’t want to lose what we had.”
It’s like an arrow to the heart. Maybe I won’t escape this conversation without getting weepy after all. Despite my current fear of my own too-large body, my first instinct is to reach out and touch her. Stopping myself is agonizing and I have to ball my hand up into a fist in my lap to keep it in place.
But then… she reaches out instead. Not quite an arms-spread-out-for-a-hug type of request, just one tiny hand extending forward, as if she’s hoping for me to offer her something. Now feeling like I have her permission, I tentatively reach up and bridge the space, palm up and forefinger outstretched, bringing it just within her reach but letting her initiate. She takes it in both hands and for a moment she just stares at the pad of the digit, running her thumbs over the lines of my fingerprint.
I feel a shiver down my spine from the light touches, combined with a wave of shame over how nice the sensation is. Despite how much better our talk is going this morning, a part of me can’t help feeling uneasy. Something just still feels off. It shouldn’t be this simple. Just like that, everything’s over and done with? I have a hard time believing it. But right now I just hold very still as Evie tries her best to find our old normal, eventually wrapping her arms around my finger and hugging it against her.
“I would’ve told you eventually, you know,” I say quietly, “Depending on the direction things went for us…”
She holds me a little tighter and nods. I don’t think either one of us knows which direction we’re facing at the moment.
Suddenly she snaps out of whatever stupor she was in. “You gotta get to work, right?” she says, letting go of my finger and taking a couple of steps back.
“I’m not late yet. Listen, Evie…” My exhale’s a little shaky as I ride the waves of uneasiness. I can’t just leave things as they are. “I still feel so awful about what happened. And it just happened, so if you ever realize later that you need to talk about it again, with me, with Moira, whatever you need, don’t hold back. And if there’s anything I can do to make it up to you, please tell me.”
“You can get me breakfast?” my little friend says with a smirk, “I could totally go for cold pizza.”
I laugh, sounding a bit hollow even though I appreciate the jest. “I’m serious, Eve. Anything you think could help, just say the word. Think about it, okay?”
And with that I do go ahead and put something together for breakfast - I opt for yogurt and granola, but I also get her a tiny sliver of leftover pizza. I do love that little quirk about her, her ability to stomach any food at any hour. It’s such a relief to know that I still get to share daily life with her and experience all of her idiosyncrasies.
And then I’m off to work. Even though we’re in May, there’s a bit of a cold front that came through today, so the crisp morning air helps invigorate me for the long day ahead.
It feels very different being on the other end of the final exam hump - it’s so strange to think that my last test was just yesterday. So much has happened in so little time. I try to stay focused on all of the students who are still in the throes of studying, which at least helps my mind to stay occupied. But anytime there’s a quiet moment, I’m either thinking about Evie’s panicked distress from last night, or her painfully gentle understanding from this morning.
During my lunch break, I try to write a note to her. I haven’t written her anything in a couple of weeks since I was so busy, and now seems like the right time to get back to it. But I don’t quite know which way to go. Something heartfelt? A casual return to form? I stare at the blank page in front of me until I hear footsteps at my office door. When I look up, I do a double take, not having expected my friend Diego to show up.
“Hey man!” he says, squeezing his tall, burly frame into the comparatively tight space, “I was wondering if I’d find you here. What’d you think of the Biochem final yesterday?”
“Oh, um…” I set my pencil down and have to actively think about the query. “I thought it was rough. Like, I’m pretty sure I passed, but maybe just barely.”
Diego has wandered right past my desk and is now standing in front of the whiteboard nearby, looking curiously at whatever lesson I’d been giving last. True to form, he starts messing with his surroundings as he talks to me, absently picking up a marker.
“Oh thank god, it’s not just me,” he sighs, “Maybe they’ll grade it on a curve. You’re on a lunch break, right? Wanna go grab food?”
He’s already drawn a dick on the whiteboard and I chuckle as I shake my head at him. “I can’t, I should stick around here. Sometimes lunch is the only time people can come by.”
He turns and gives me a sagely nod as he ambles back over towards my desk. “That’s real dedication to your students. I respect that.” In one swift movement, he turns a nearby chair around and straddles it, looking at me pointedly. “You look like something’s wrong. What happened?”
As generally goofy as he is, he can be stupidly perceptive sometimes. I almost ask him what he means by that, but I don’t feel like playing dumb and the truth slips out. “I screwed up last night… I hurt a friend. I didn’t mean to, but I did, and I feel terrible.”
Diego’s eyebrows shoot up. “Fuck, that doesn’t sound like you at all. You wanna talk about it, bro?”
I pick my pencil back up to fidget with it, balancing it on the side of a finger. “It was just… really dumb, on my part,” I mutter, “And what almost makes it harder is that they’re being really nice and accommodating about it.”
“I hear ya, Star can be like that. Last month I forgot about some plans we made, and the only thing that made me feel worse was her being such a sweetheart about it. But her being so sweet’s part of why I love her, ya know?”
He reaches an arm forward to the desk and flicks a stray pen in my direction. It rolls over in a blur and whacks against my hand, and the pencil I was balancing clatters down. I let out a breath of laughter and figure that I’ve lost him, but he jumps right back into his advice.
“If they’ve forgiven you, don’t take that shit for granted! You probably shouldn’t keep bringing up what happened, but you just gotta go above and beyond for a little while. Make sure they know you really care, yeah? Extra communication and attention and all that jazz.”
Damn, he’s actually helping me feel better. Not that I should be surprised, considering how long I’ve known the guy. I shoot my friend a smile. “Right.”
Diego scoots his chair forward so that he can lean both forearms on the edge of the desk in a mock intimidating manner. “So when do I get to meet her?” he asks with a smirk.
Yeeeah not happening, bud. “She’s just a friend. And she doesn’t live here unfortunately,” I say evasively. Technically I’m telling the truth… Evie lives on a different desk.





Sleep deprivation is no joke.
I also imagine her getting angry with her cockblocking stomach