Is role playing a form of cheating?
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I was taking a trip down memory lane earlier today on the archived version of the old Minimizer forum, and beside being amazed at how much was available (including old threads by yours truly!), I came upon something I remembered from back in the days:
The question is simple enough : Can role-playing sizey scenarios online be considered cheating?
If you had asked me back in 2008, I would have said “yes”, without a doubt. I didn’t even RP that often, but the guilt I felt, the way I hid my online activities and the shame I had whilst trying to hopelessly “cure” myself of this kink gnawed at me from the inside. My partner deserved better, yet I was stuck in this loop from not being able to tell her about my kink.
Nowadays, I’d probably say “it depends”.
If I told my girlfriend about my kink and she wouldn’t want to partake, I’d be fine with it as long as she understood I don’t have an “off” switch to my kink, and yes, role playing from time to time might happen. I think the key is being transparent about it, but I’m aware that this might not fly with every gals (and guys).Opinions?
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Yeah, I fall under the “it depends” camp too.
So my personal situation with that is - I started RPing when I was still single. To be honest, despite doing quite a bit of it I can probably count the occasions that I enjoyed it on one hand, most of the time it was unsatisfying at best and downright traumatizing at worst (whether it was with actual creeps/assholes, or with perfectly nice dudes where our interests just didn’t align quite right and it’s no one’s fault). Because of that, it wasn’t very hard for me to decide to temporarily stop RPing when I started dating my partner, since I did feel uncomfortable doing it without telling him. Soon enough I told him about my kink, and while we explored it together, it still wasn’t quite the same as a roleplay with someone who “gets it,” so to speak.
Eventually enough time passed that I was feeling the urge to try RPing online again (the number of times where it was like “oh, this one might have potential!” kept drawing me back lol). So I broached the subject with my partner about that exact question - “does RP count as cheating?” And I do think that might be the most important factor, the way both people feel about it as a couple. It’s like with other boundaries outside of RPing - everyone will have different past experiences, different limits, different definitions of cheating, etc. He and I discussed it at length, like “does THIS feel like it would be too far past the line? what about this?”, and I showed him some examples from past RPs. I’m lucky that he’s supportive and trusting so it wasn’t an issue for us. (And then when I did try RPing again and kept getting similarly disappointed I decided it wasn’t really my thing after all and I don’t really do it anymore lol, it sorta became a moot point)
There are so many factors to consider like… Are you RPing with one person and are developing a deep emotional connection with them? Is the RP utilizing characters in third person, or are you playing yourself? How frequent are the RPs? Are they solely in writing or do they involve voice chat or anything else? These kinds of details could affect what the couple is comfortable doing. My general gauge that I went by (outside of the discussion with my partner) was to ask myself “How do I feel about this right now? Does this feel wrong to me?” instead of solely thinking “Would my partner be upset if he saw this?”
I’d certainly be curious to see other people’s take on this!
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The way I see it if your in a relationship ask your partner how they feel personally I don’t see it as cheating because at the end of the day it’s fantasy like murdering anoying people or thinking up ways you would kill friends and family. As long as you understand where the line is and accept that they possibly fantasise about others then you’re all good. But I’d see as a case by case thing as in all things there is no one solid rule everything is fluid
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I agree that this varies from relationship to relationship.
At my job we have a saying, “Never put anything in an email that you wouldn’t want to see as an exhibit in a legal proceeding.” I feel confident that I could engage in roleplaying with an anonymous Size acquaintance without forming an improper emotional attachment, but I wouldn’t want to have to defend the transcript to my partner.
I’m much more comfortable keeping to my current practice of writing stories with one or more Size acquaintances in mind and hoping they eventually figure it out.
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@littlest-lily I should have mentioned that I wasn’t single in my youth, I started dating at 16 and wasn’t again (beside a few months in-between) until I was 38. So for me, RPing has always been done “behind the back” of my partners.
I also feel that my maturity and openness in terms of communication didn’t have the chance to grow - we’ve had kids much too young in retrospect, and once you’ve got little mouths to feed you spend quite a few years “forgetting” yourself, not really putting your own needs first I mean.
My definition and needs vis-à-vis role-playing has evolved with time. I’m with you that I can count on a single hand how many truly great RP experiences I’ve had. Nowadays I enjoy light and casual RP, which can sometimes become more steamy of course, but overall I get my kick out of interacting with tinies pretending you guys are really only a few inches tall, that sort of thing.
But yeah, I’m thinking it’s something I’ll never really want to stop completely, and being transparent about it is part of the things I want to change in future relationships. You’re asking really good questions to ponder, like playing characters (mine or other ppl’s
) vs myself.Argh, sorry everyone, I didn’t meant for this thread to become yet another public introspection, hehe.
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@The-Big-G That’s a VERY good point I completely forgot to mention : we’re cursed to never experience this IRL, it will always be fantasy. At the same time, we can’t help it so it’s important IMHO for a loving partner to leave space for that fantasy, not only in terms of RPing but indulging in fiction, art, etc.
I get that it can be hard to understand for normies, though, ie. “why do you want to spend time in a fantasy instead of real, actual me!?”. Ugh.
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Whenever I’m approached with the question “is this cheating?” I usually respond to them with If you have to ask then it most likely IS cheating but I do agree that it depends on the relationship. RP’s can get spicy so if you’re in a relationship and another girl online is getting your dick hard and your girl isn’t aware then yes it’s cheating. Same goes for me, RP’s turn me on so unless my guy is okay with me touching myself to another man that I’m chatting with online then it’s not something I’m going to engage in without his knowledge. If you need space for this, totally understandable but share this with your partner right off the rip so it gives them a fair chance to make a decision on if they’d like to continue with you
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@SmolChlo said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
RP’s can get spicy so if you’re in a relationship and another girl online is getting your dick hard and your girl isn’t aware then yes it’s cheating.
That’s fair. The thing is that I’m usually a pretty chill dude in most circumstances, but if SW are involved then I have a really hard time keeping my cool. So while I knew what I was doing was wrong, I couldn’t resist.
@SmolChlo said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
Share this with your partner right off the rip so it gives them a fair chance to make a decision on if they’d like to continue with you
And that’s the loop I was stuck into, guilt vs fear of losing her. That’s why IMHO that’s a conversation that needs to come early in a relationship (again, not trying to make excuses, but I waited far too long)
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My general rule is that if you aren’t comfortable telling your partner exactly what happened you shouldn’t be doing it
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I kinda want to delve a little bit more into the actual “deed” of RPing - and again this is going to be a different boundary for everyone. Because like… Does writing a steamy story count as cheating? Probably not. Does masturbating count as cheating? I think most folks would say no, not inherently. Does watching porn/looking at arousing images/reading sexy stories count as cheating? This starts already heading into a grey zone for some folks possibly. Does collaborating with someone as a beta reader for their erotic fiction count? What about brainstorming ideas with someone for a story? What about roleplaying in a way that’s not leading to masturbating but still gives you butterflies in your stomach? What’s worse, RPing to essentially give yourself porn to jack off to but otherwise having no connection with the person on the other side of the screen, or RPing in a way where there’s nothing titillating at all but it’s creating a deep emotional connection?
I don’t have a particular point here, other than I do think this is a nuanced enough thing to give it proper thought and have proper discussion within the couple about these kinds of details.
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@littlest-lily Oh no, if getting butterflies in my stomach when chatting with a SW is cheating, I’m done for
Seriously, the very nature of our kink makes it borderline thoughtcrimes, no? So much of it happens in your mind because it can’t be otherwise. I did ask for opinions, and I’m not judging - neither am I seeking absolution or validation.
Lily, you raise some very good questions. What’s even more interesting to me is that my own answers have changed over time, my 20-yo self would have been way more conservative about some of those, whereas now I think I would give all the freedom and trust to my partner, if the roles were reversed.
@Deedee said :
My general rule is that if you aren’t comfortable telling your partner exactly what happened you shouldn’t be doing it
I don’t disagree. I simply wasn’t able to tell her about the kink, yet I couldn’t give up SW. It’s not that I never tried, either. It’s just not quite the same for me as, say, asking your partner for a threesome, other more normie-ish things of that nature.
I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one. If someone doesn’t understand that it’s harder for some people to come out about this, well… all I can say is I’m jealous.
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@littlest-lily none of it’s cheating if your partner is aware and agrees to those terms of the relationship but if they have no knowledge of it and they consider themselves to be monogamous with you then yes it’s cheating
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Following a side rail of this conversation the amount people I’ve run into or chatted with that are uncomfortable with even broaching the subject of this kink or any other with there partners. Or hell anyone outside of the community and sometimes even then as they fear the rejection that it may incite or others that only let there kink flag fly once or twice a year the rest of the time wallowing in fear/guilt. Don’t get me wrong some peoples beliefs or lifestyles or jobs would be impacted and so I don’t blame or hold any resentment to these people. Like myself I’ve been very open about my desires to friends and family like as a cis white middle aged male that if Henry Cavill or Chris Hemsworth decided I needed to be breed who am I to argue. If I was in relationship I wouldn’t see that as cheating because it’s fucken Thor and superman there would be no romantic attraction and I think that is the point I’m trying to make I feel cheating is the point when you romanticly desire someone else more than your partner at that point your decided that your current bond isn’t what you want.
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@foreverlurk said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
I don’t disagree. I simply wasn’t able to tell her about the kink, yet I couldn’t give up SW. It’s not that I never tried, either. It’s just not quite the same for me as, say, asking your partner for a threesome, other more normie-ish things of that nature.
Everyone has a thousand reasons for not telling their partner when they’re doing something close to the line. In a situation like that you would have three options. Tell her. Give it up. Or give her up. This isn’t the kind of secret you get to keep in a relationship.
@The-Big-G said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
Following a side rail of this conversation the amount people I’ve run into or chatted with that are uncomfortable with even broaching the subject of this kink or any other with there partners. Or hell anyone outside of the community and sometimes even then as they fear the rejection that it may incite or others that only let there kink flag fly once or twice a year the rest of the time wallowing in fear/guilt. Don’t get me wrong some peoples beliefs or lifestyles or jobs would be impacted and so I don’t blame or hold any resentment to these people. Like myself I’ve been very open about my desires to friends and family like as a cis white middle aged male that if Henry Cavill or Chris Hemsworth decided I needed to be breed who am I to argue. If I was in relationship I wouldn’t see that as cheating because it’s fucken Thor and superman there would be no romantic attraction and I think that is the point I’m trying to make I feel cheating is the point when you romanticly desire someone else more than your partner at that point your decided that your current bond isn’t what you want.
I’m sort of the opposite, I don’t tell anyone about my kinks. Any of them. Even the ones that aren’t really kinks. I’d find it just as weird to go around tell people “oh yeah I like sex best when I’m on the bottom” than I would any kink.
The size stuff is in weird place, because you can have non-kinky size stuff that doesn’t even approach lewdness. Looks over to the D&D book on giants. N-not that I would own a book like that or use giants in my campaign
Also I won’t judge your kink, but I will judge you for putting Cavill and Hemsworth on the same level. There’s a clear winner there.
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@foreverlurk Just for the record, I was posing the questions without any intent of passing judgement
I’ve done some of the things I listed myself - for example, I may have stopped RPing but it’s not like I stopped looking at SW content altogether when I first started dating but hadn’t yet discussed all this stuff with him (and I’m pretty sure my hubby didn’t stop looking at certain types of content either before that point - and that never bothered either one of us). And despite having had the discussions as a couple, I still came across new situations sometimes that I hadn’t considered before, where I had to take a step back and ask myself “does this feel wrong? are there any boundaries being crossed here?” Introspection is the first step, so I think giving this stuff some thought is good 
