Is role playing a form of cheating?
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@SmolChlo said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
RP’s can get spicy so if you’re in a relationship and another girl online is getting your dick hard and your girl isn’t aware then yes it’s cheating.
That’s fair. The thing is that I’m usually a pretty chill dude in most circumstances, but if SW are involved then I have a really hard time keeping my cool. So while I knew what I was doing was wrong, I couldn’t resist.
@SmolChlo said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
Share this with your partner right off the rip so it gives them a fair chance to make a decision on if they’d like to continue with you
And that’s the loop I was stuck into, guilt vs fear of losing her. That’s why IMHO that’s a conversation that needs to come early in a relationship (again, not trying to make excuses, but I waited far too long)
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My general rule is that if you aren’t comfortable telling your partner exactly what happened you shouldn’t be doing it
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I kinda want to delve a little bit more into the actual “deed” of RPing - and again this is going to be a different boundary for everyone. Because like… Does writing a steamy story count as cheating? Probably not. Does masturbating count as cheating? I think most folks would say no, not inherently. Does watching porn/looking at arousing images/reading sexy stories count as cheating? This starts already heading into a grey zone for some folks possibly. Does collaborating with someone as a beta reader for their erotic fiction count? What about brainstorming ideas with someone for a story? What about roleplaying in a way that’s not leading to masturbating but still gives you butterflies in your stomach? What’s worse, RPing to essentially give yourself porn to jack off to but otherwise having no connection with the person on the other side of the screen, or RPing in a way where there’s nothing titillating at all but it’s creating a deep emotional connection?
I don’t have a particular point here, other than I do think this is a nuanced enough thing to give it proper thought and have proper discussion within the couple about these kinds of details.
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@littlest-lily Oh no, if getting butterflies in my stomach when chatting with a SW is cheating, I’m done for
Seriously, the very nature of our kink makes it borderline thoughtcrimes, no? So much of it happens in your mind because it can’t be otherwise. I did ask for opinions, and I’m not judging - neither am I seeking absolution or validation.
Lily, you raise some very good questions. What’s even more interesting to me is that my own answers have changed over time, my 20-yo self would have been way more conservative about some of those, whereas now I think I would give all the freedom and trust to my partner, if the roles were reversed.
@Deedee said :
My general rule is that if you aren’t comfortable telling your partner exactly what happened you shouldn’t be doing it
I don’t disagree. I simply wasn’t able to tell her about the kink, yet I couldn’t give up SW. It’s not that I never tried, either. It’s just not quite the same for me as, say, asking your partner for a threesome, other more normie-ish things of that nature.
I don’t know, maybe I’m the only one. If someone doesn’t understand that it’s harder for some people to come out about this, well… all I can say is I’m jealous.
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@littlest-lily none of it’s cheating if your partner is aware and agrees to those terms of the relationship but if they have no knowledge of it and they consider themselves to be monogamous with you then yes it’s cheating
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Following a side rail of this conversation the amount people I’ve run into or chatted with that are uncomfortable with even broaching the subject of this kink or any other with there partners. Or hell anyone outside of the community and sometimes even then as they fear the rejection that it may incite or others that only let there kink flag fly once or twice a year the rest of the time wallowing in fear/guilt. Don’t get me wrong some peoples beliefs or lifestyles or jobs would be impacted and so I don’t blame or hold any resentment to these people. Like myself I’ve been very open about my desires to friends and family like as a cis white middle aged male that if Henry Cavill or Chris Hemsworth decided I needed to be breed who am I to argue. If I was in relationship I wouldn’t see that as cheating because it’s fucken Thor and superman there would be no romantic attraction and I think that is the point I’m trying to make I feel cheating is the point when you romanticly desire someone else more than your partner at that point your decided that your current bond isn’t what you want.
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@foreverlurk said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
I don’t disagree. I simply wasn’t able to tell her about the kink, yet I couldn’t give up SW. It’s not that I never tried, either. It’s just not quite the same for me as, say, asking your partner for a threesome, other more normie-ish things of that nature.
Everyone has a thousand reasons for not telling their partner when they’re doing something close to the line. In a situation like that you would have three options. Tell her. Give it up. Or give her up. This isn’t the kind of secret you get to keep in a relationship.
@The-Big-G said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
Following a side rail of this conversation the amount people I’ve run into or chatted with that are uncomfortable with even broaching the subject of this kink or any other with there partners. Or hell anyone outside of the community and sometimes even then as they fear the rejection that it may incite or others that only let there kink flag fly once or twice a year the rest of the time wallowing in fear/guilt. Don’t get me wrong some peoples beliefs or lifestyles or jobs would be impacted and so I don’t blame or hold any resentment to these people. Like myself I’ve been very open about my desires to friends and family like as a cis white middle aged male that if Henry Cavill or Chris Hemsworth decided I needed to be breed who am I to argue. If I was in relationship I wouldn’t see that as cheating because it’s fucken Thor and superman there would be no romantic attraction and I think that is the point I’m trying to make I feel cheating is the point when you romanticly desire someone else more than your partner at that point your decided that your current bond isn’t what you want.
I’m sort of the opposite, I don’t tell anyone about my kinks. Any of them. Even the ones that aren’t really kinks. I’d find it just as weird to go around tell people “oh yeah I like sex best when I’m on the bottom” than I would any kink.
The size stuff is in weird place, because you can have non-kinky size stuff that doesn’t even approach lewdness. Looks over to the D&D book on giants. N-not that I would own a book like that or use giants in my campaign
Also I won’t judge your kink, but I will judge you for putting Cavill and Hemsworth on the same level. There’s a clear winner there.
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@foreverlurk Just for the record, I was posing the questions without any intent of passing judgement
I’ve done some of the things I listed myself - for example, I may have stopped RPing but it’s not like I stopped looking at SW content altogether when I first started dating but hadn’t yet discussed all this stuff with him (and I’m pretty sure my hubby didn’t stop looking at certain types of content either before that point - and that never bothered either one of us). And despite having had the discussions as a couple, I still came across new situations sometimes that I hadn’t considered before, where I had to take a step back and ask myself “does this feel wrong? are there any boundaries being crossed here?” Introspection is the first step, so I think giving this stuff some thought is good 
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@SmolChlo True, that’s what it comes down to! I mean heck, polyamorous relationships exist, so any of it could work as long as everyone’s on board.
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@SmolChlo said :
if they have no knowledge of it and they consider themselves to be monogamous with you then yes it’s cheating
I know, and that’s why I tell people having this fetish can be a curse. I never wanted this, never asked for any of this.
@The-Big-G said :
I’ve run into or chatted with that are uncomfortable with even broaching the subject of this kink or any other with there partners.
You must know that some people don’t have the same wholesome experience. Again, this doesn’t get posted online often, we don’t usually like to post our Ls online (a bit like this very thread, hehe). I could tell you about some cases where things have gone extremely wrong - this girl getting her private sizey RP DMs sent to everyone at her school, this married guy getting doxxed about his microphilia to his boss, co-workers and wife (which didn’t know about this kink). Or a guy revealing his fetish to his girlfriend only for her to be disgusted, ending their relationship and then them getting blocked or ridiculed in his social circle when she told friends and family.
@The-Big-G said :
I think that is the point I’m trying to make I feel cheating is the point when you romanticly desire someone else more than your partner
That’s interesting, that would definitely be crossing the line for me, but I wonder if that could really happen with simple RPing online? I mean, how can you develop something that strong remotely.
@Deedee said :
Everyone has a thousand reasons for not telling their partner when they’re doing something close to the line.
Hmm I believe there are genuine reasons for wanting to keep things on the hush. I also know that some people are just built differently, they don’t feel that shame at all. Some also lack the empathy to think beyond their ableist views.
@littlest-lily said :
Just for the record, I was posing the questions without any intent of passing judgement
Haha, don’t worry it’s okay; I know my sins and the price I pay for them. I did start the thread, didn’t I?
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@foreverlurk a fetish isn’t a crutch or something to blame for poor decision making. Taking accountability is one thing but throwing in excuses right after just muddies the water. Respect your partner and the relationship. There’s no grey area when it comes to respect… either you have it for the person you’re with or your urges are more important
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@SmolChlo If you’re not interested in my explanations to understand why things were the way they were, that’s fine - but don’t mistake that for excuses or seeking a way out. Understanding and explaining doesn’t mean you endorse those behaviours.
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@foreverlurk said in Is role playing a form of cheating?:
Hmm I believe there are genuine reasons for wanting to keep things on the hush. I also know that some people are just built differently, they don’t feel that shame at all. Some also lack the empathy to think beyond their ableist views.
A little empathy for the victim of cheating would be nice to. You don’t HAVE to be in a relationship, if you can’t keep clear boundaries you shouldn’t be in one. A fetish isn’t a disability. A fetish isn’t an excuse. No one in my life knows I like this and I intend to keep it this way. I’ve never told anyone I dated about it. My family thinks I have an unreasonable hatred for Rick Moranis because he was annoying in spaceballs.
Nothing you have said here excuses anyone going behind a person’s back. A reasonable person would talk to their partner about viewing porn. They said it’s okay? Great you can look at size porn without it being cheating.
If one NEEDS roleplay, that’s weird. But sure, ask your partner if you can engage in sexually charged RP with people online. No need to mention any particular kink. I’ve been on enough discords to know any tiny you find is probably a guy anyway.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling shame, but a person should feel much more shame in engaging in anything like this behind their partner’s back than they should in a kink. Enjoying this is fine. Everything beyond that is a choice that’s made.
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@Deedee Oh I’ve been on the receiving end of cheating too, don’t worry. And not pretend online cheating, but real, actual in-person cheating. I guess it doesn’t make a difference and I deserved it (or rather, we “deserved each other”).
The disability is not the fetish if you read what I wrote it’s obvious I was talking about proper, normal communication with other humans. But even trying to correct that will probably make it look like I’m finding “excuses”, being weird or whatever.
Look, I’m not trying to win an argument since anyway I agree with most of what you wrote. For instance, I probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. So let’s keep it at that.
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Reading every one’s else’s comments I’m understanding I’m in a minority for a change and honestly I’m fucken fascinated by this turn of events. Don’t get me wrong I feel for everyone who has to keep this shit buttoned down well I say that but at best I can do a good impression of empathy. But I lack the social,career,moral,religious and or personal backgrounds to truely walk a mile in any of your shoes I’m just lucky to have never had to experience a break up or a rejection from anyone or anything because I simply have never been able to care for or be cared for enough in real life to have that scaring. Online I’ve been both predatory and prey I’ve cyber stalked,cyber bullied and in one case cyber raped as much as some can abuse such things in a role playing situation flip side I’ve been labeled a pedo, had the police contact me about fraud threaten with legal action and a list of other things has it damaged my career potential who knows possibly I’ve applied for many jobs that I never got so who knows. I could be blacklisted somewhere forever doomed to work low income jobs and never climb out of the poverty line I sit on then again I lack ambition so that has never really worried me. In closing I just like to thank all of you here who post what they feel comfortable with sharing and the like and not sharing you all give me pause and help me look at my own character and judgement and I feel I’m better for all of you in my life.
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