@Mimi-Robotto Thank you so much, there’s a lot that resonates with me in what you wrote, but first let me just say that I’m in a better place mentally than when I wrote this. I haven’t been able to talk to my therapist about the kink yet but we did address some adjacent topics. Meds also helped but caused other side effects which I’m still dealing with. Overall I’ve still got a long road ahead but no longer in pure survival mode.
About the void I feel, you absolutely nail it on the head. I’ve never been more myself than when I indulge in RP or semi-RP with tiny ladies. They see a part of me that’s been hidden forever, and they love that part of me. It’s incredibly validating and at the same time, reality comes back twice as hard to crush me. That’s the part that make me feel even lonelier in this life, more so than just the lack of a life partner, but one who sees me without any facade, at my most vulnerable.
Sadly I had to stop my therapy sessions because my insurance ran out and I couldn’t afford to pay for them out of pocket, but I’m restarting them in January, hopefully this time around I’ll be able to push through my mental block and talk openly about my fetish. I feel there’s still a lot to unpack in there.
