Chapter 44
Aiden
It seems odd, somehow, that I hadn’t owned a magnifying glass before this, considering our circumstances. I guess I never saw a use for it, outside of just wanting to get a better look at her, which didn’t feel like a valid reason. But now that we have a new step in our daily routine I finally ended up buying one.
“It doesn’t look too red,” I mumble, leaning in further and squinting. Even magnified, the cut on Evie’s leg is so little - to me, at least. “How does it feel?”
“Still sore… but getting better,” she responds from her prone position on the dollhouse bed. I glance at her expression since her face is aimed in my direction, her cheek resting on folded arms. I think she’s being truthful, her smile looking far less pained today.
I return my attention to the thin line on her calf, looking for any signs of infection at the top of it, just shy of the back of her knee. Her entire lower half is under the magnifying glass, and it’s a little distracting. Don’t-stare-at-her-butt, don’t-stare-at-her-butt, don’t-stare-at–
I shake my head and force myself to look lower now, trying to pinpoint the other end of the cut near the teeny tiny bump of her ankle. I talk to keep myself on track. “Man, there are a lot of tendons that you could have hit and didn’t. You really lucked out.”
She laughs wryly. “Not sure I would call any of this lucky.”
“Yeah, that’s fair. Just trying to find the silver lining I guess…”
Once I’m satisfied that everything looks clean, I carefully start wrapping her leg back up with a fresh bandage. It’s a slow process, but I’ve been getting better at it, and propping the magnifying glass up so that I can look through it helps a lot.
“I’ve been experimenting with putting a little weight on it,” Evie muses, tapping her other foot absently as she keeps her injured leg still for me. “I bet if I tried to use those crutches again I could get around.”
It’s been four days since the accident, and I don’t blame her for going a little stir crazy. I tried making tiny crutches for her out of bent paper clips in the beginning, but her leg hurt so bad that it didn’t work out - holding her foot off the ground was too painful, and letting it drag was even worse. It doesn’t help that she hasn’t taken any kind of pain meds. We considered it at first, maybe shaving off a bit of tylenol from a pill or something. But playing around with drugs seemed dangerous since neither one of us knows what we’re doing, and in the end she assured me she could handle the pain.
So she’s been spending a lot of time in bed, and for everything else she’s relying on me to move her where she needs to go. Selfishly I do kinda enjoy that part, if we’re being completely honest - the part where I get to touch her more, not her misery at being immobile. Although I’m now all the more paranoid about accidentally hurting her. I’ve certainly been fine-tuning my ability to use a gentle grip, that’s for sure.
But in three days summer classes will start, which means my TA job will resume. I’d like to ask Moira to be here as much as possible while I’m gone, but it would probably still be better for Evie to get around by herself if she can.
I finish re-wrapping the little limb and put the magnifying glass down before responding to her desire to try walking. “Sure, I still have the paper clips handy… Here you go. Just be careful.”
She gets to a sitting position on her bed eagerly, swinging her legs over the edge as she holds a hand out for the makeshift crutches. She slowly stands up, balancing on one foot, and I hover my hands on either side of her, ready to catch her if she loses balance. She holds firm and tucks the metal supports under her arms, looking very determined. Then she takes one tentative step, wobbles, and grows a shade paler.
"Take it easy,” I say, “Wouldn’t want to rush into it and make it worse.”
Evie nods and steps back again so she can sit down. She sighs, looking disappointed, a rather heartbreaking sight. I touch my thumb to her downcast face and make an attempt at lightening the mood. “That’s still a whole lot of progress, Eve! I’m sure in the next day or two you’ll be able to make it. Besides, I don’t mind having to carry you around in the meantime.”
I purposefully made my tone a little suggestive and she catches on, looking up at me with a smirk. “You just like getting your hands all over me,” she teases.
"Like I said… just trying to find the silver lining.” I grin.
She chuckles and wraps her arms around my thumb, giving the side of it a little peck before leaning her cheek against it. It’s enough to send a pleasant shiver down my spine. She closes her eyes and exhales deeply.
“I hate this,” she suddenly confides. I lean in attentively - this is a rare vulnerable moment that I don’t take lightly. “Not this,” she clarifies, giving my thumb a little squeeze, “Just… I thought being small was bad enough. But I guess even then I was taking things for granted.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” I say softly, curling a couple of fingers around to support the back of her head and shoulders. “This really sucks. It’ll pass.”
She just nods and stares off into space. Poor thing. Evie already struggles enough with her lack of independence, but she’s really, truly helpless these days. I’ve moved some of her things right next to her bed so that she can eat and drink and have her phone handy, but anything where she has to stand up she needs me for. Even something as basic as getting dressed or going to the bathroom, I have to at least place her in the right spot for it before giving her privacy. I try to stay nearby all day just in case she needs help, but I can still tell by the quiver of her voice when she calls for me that she feels like an inconvenience, every time. No matter how much I tell her she’s not.
But I’ll say it as many times as it takes. “I know I’m probably sounding like a broken record. But for real, I promise I don’t mind bringing you things or carrying you places. Being able to help you makes me happy.”
Her brown doe eyes captivate me for a moment. As small as they are, they hold so much. There’s an odd expression on her face, one I can’t quite make out, hinting at all of the intricate layers hidden behind her smile.
And yet her tone is as lighthearted as can be. “Can you pick me up then?”
I perk up at the suggestion. “Sure! Where to?” I question, and I shift my fingers to pinch her torso from behind, so that I can start the delicate process of transferring her from the bed to my other hand.
“Nowhere in particular,” Evie says, arms gripping my fingers as she tenses from me lifting her up. When I gently deposit her on my palm, her legs are dangling off the side so that I can let her maneuver them in whatever way hurts the least. She slides herself back, bending her uninjured leg for stability, before she settles in the middle of my hand and looks back up at me. “I just want you to hold me. If that’s okay.”
Seriously now. How the hell is anyone supposed to resist that?
“Of course,” I say, lifting her higher so that I can bring her tiny forehead to my lips. I’m proud to feel her lean into the kiss without any kind of pained flinching. I’m getting better at this.
“You know… I’m really going to miss you when I go back to work,” I lament as I lower her back down with a half smile. “I mean, no one else lets me hold them like this.”
“Well. That’s a shame,” she responds with a laugh. “You’ll be seeing some of your old students though, yeah? And maybe it’ll be nice to have some structure back in your day.” I don’t say anything, mulling it all over. After a few seconds she cocks her head to the side and adds, “By the look on your face, I take it that’s not much comfort?”
“I’m honestly kinda nervous,” I admit, “I’ve been doing this TA thing since I started grad school, but I’ve only ever been involved with the pretty basic geology courses. This next one’s more advanced, plus it’s condensed into a summer class… I just hope I don’t let anyone down.”
Evie’s eyes are full of concern, and she runs a hand in a slow circle next to her on my palm. "Remember what the professor told you last semester? Wasn’t it, like, twenty students who specifically mentioned to her how much you helped them with the class? Do you know how insane that is, that so many people would go out of their way like that? I literally can’t imagine you letting anyone down for anything. You’re your own worst critic, but you’re going to do an amazing job this summer, I can feel it!” She smiles encouragingly and then she shifts towards my ring finger beside her to take it in both hands. “I’m sorry you’re stressed about it though, I know I’d be nervous too…”
Ugh, my heart can’t take this. Even though she’s been dealing with all of her own problems, here she is trying her utmost to comfort me. She always knows the exact right thing to say when I’m down… And I love the way her arms consistently manage to find their way wrapped around one of my fingers… She’s such a sweet girl.
“Thank you," I say with a nod, "You’re right, it’ll be fine. Still gonna miss you though.” I bring her back up to my face and just keep her close, the bridge of my nose becoming her chin rest as she leans on me.
“It goes without saying that I’ll miss you too,” she says softly, “But we’ve got this.”
I sigh while doing my best to hold still. I really want to keep snuggling, but I also don’t want to monopolize the evening. I eventually straighten up and hold my little friend in front of me to ask, “So, what would you like to do tonight? Want to watch a movie or something?”
Evie glances out towards the living room and she seems a bit distracted when she faces me again. “Mmm, maybe a little later… Can we still go to the couch though?"
I tilt my head as I look at her curiously, wondering at her tone. Clearly something’s going on behind those eyes. It’s like she’s somehow both intensely focused on me and a million miles away. With a cautious slowness I get up to do as she requests, relocating to the nearby couch.
“What’s on your mind?" I decide to ask as I sit back down.
Evie’s expression shifts as suddenly her cheeks flush now that I’ve called her out. “If… if you’re okay with it, I…" There’s a pause, and it’s starting to make me nervous in turn. Finally she forces it out, “I’d like to try again with… with me laying on your chest.”
I blink, eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “You sure?"
“Yeah. You seem pretty awake today, right?"
I bite my lip and can feel my own cheeks flushing, though it’s mostly in embarrassment as the memories start creeping back up. “Right…”
“We don’t have to though," she says quickly, and there’s a subtle tremble to her body as she redistributes her weight in my hand. “Will it make you uncomfortable?”
The thought of cuddling together is insanely alluring. I’m happy to know I’m not the only one feeling particularly touchy-feely right now. But at the same time, the memories are back in full force at this point, haunting me with a vengeance. I feel sick with shame as I recall her terrified cries and the stress of the conversation that had followed.
“Maybe?” I finally concede, “But I guess I wouldn’t mind… trying."
Evie tightens her grip on my finger. “I know things didn’t go well at the time, but right before… it happened, I was really, really enjoying things.”
I smile despite the nerves. “I’m so happy to hear that. Okay. Let me just…”
Holding the tiny girl in my palm as steadily as possible, I lift my legs up onto the couch as I pivot. Slowly I lower myself back until my neck is leaning against the armrest, and then I let my occupied hand rest just above my diaphragm. Using my available fingers, I very carefully help guide my small passenger onto my chest.
“There you go,” I say, “Feel okay?”
“Yes.” She lowers into a lying position, just like she had that night, resting on her stomach as she stays propped up on her elbows. “Yeah, I’m good… Are you though? Your heart rate is really picking up, is this scaring you?”
“N-no. I mean, maybe a little bit, but… I don’t think that’s why my heart rate’s picking up.”
We’re both nervous now, I can see a wave of anxiety pass over her as her blushing expands to her ears. It’s taking an immense amount of self control to keep my breathing slow and steady since I don’t want to jostle her. This is a lot. My body remembers what happened last time. A part of me still sees myself as a menace. But at the same time… her warm little weight lying on me, as light as a flower, it’s just…
I let out an awkward breath of laughter. “Sorry, it’s just kinda intimate.”
She nods and lowers herself all the way down until her chin is resting on her arms. She manages a weak smile as she looks straight at me. “That’s what I like about it, though.”
As usual, her smile elicits mine. “Yeah, me too.”
“Is this the kind of stuff that you would fantasize about?”
Ah. I wasn’t expecting her to bring that up. We haven’t really talked much about my “fantasies,” I’m far too self conscious to bring it up myself. Doesn’t exactly help that she’s right on the money… If my heart wasn’t racing before, it certainly is now.
“Yep,” I admit, “This is exactly the kind of thing.”
Evie hums to herself with an absent nod. “I can get behind that…”
Something about the way she says it gives me another pang of embarrassment. “Did you think it’d be something… worse?”
“I don’t really know what to think, to be honest. I’m still not sure I understand the appeal.”
I’m starting to fidget nervously as I gaze just past her. Maybe this was all a really bad idea. I don’t even know if this counts as cuddling, and instead it’s bringing up all sorts of guilt and fear and awkwardness. My fingers find their way to the little woman lying on me, mindful about touching the leg that’s uninjured. Taking a second to ground myself, I grasp her tiny foot between finger and thumb, softly running the digits over the minute bone of her ankle and up the curve of her calf. To my surprise, she sighs contentedly at this. It gives me the strength to speak.
“I-I can try to answer whatever questions you have. It’s sorta hard to explain, and there are a lot of different facets to it. Um…”
I take a deep breath. And I try to push past the embarrassment. Communicate, Aiden… Talk to her…
“So… I guess one of the first things that I realized when I was younger was this… Sometimes life feels like it’s out of your control. When you’re a kid, you’re at the mercy of your parents and the other adults in your life, they’re the ones who have the ultimate say on everything. They decide what school you go to, what’s for dinner, who you get to hang out with. If your parents are in the military, you might have to move around a lot. If you have a friend who’s going through something shitty, you’re just a kid who can’t really do anything to help them. Even as you grow up you realize that your ability to make a difference is so limited.
"So the thought of having a tiny friend was almost a way of… coping. Having a secret companion, someone I could actually protect and take care of when it felt like everything else was spiraling out of control. I just found the idea incredibly comforting.”
I glance down at Evie and she’s looking at me with wide eyes. “Whoa. I never would have thought of something like that.”
I’m suddenly struck by the irony of what I just said. If anyone’s life has spiraled out of their control, it’s hers. Maybe on some level she can relate.
“Reality’s a little different,” I say, and my finger starts making its way from her leg to her shoulders, trailing up the side of her body. “Try as I might, it’s not like I’m able to take care of you as well as I’d like. I can’t protect you from everything… clearly."
I pause. I’m certainly focusing on some of the deeper realizations I’ve had about the kink, without quite addressing the more simple aspects of this too. Might as well be fair so I add, "But hey, if nothing else, I also can’t help thinking you look really, really cute like this. So there’s that too.” I pat the top of her head as I manage a smirk.
She smiles in response but otherwise doesn’t address the latter comment. She seems to deliberate for a moment before she says in a low tone, “Don’t underestimate how much you do for me, Aiden… I’d be completely lost without you.”
I can see how hard it is for her to admit that and my heart aches. It’s such a paradox. Loving her this little. Wishing I could restore her. Wanting her to be happy. Wanting her to be mine.
“Hey, don’t sell yourself short,” I say encouragingly, “Considering everything you’ve been through, you’ve been handling yourself incredibly well.” I shift my hand so that I can cover the entire length of her with it, like a quilt draping over her back. “And I’m happy to always be here for you whenever you need me. Okay?”
Her smile widens. Then she leans forward to press her lips against the floor beneath her, and despite there being a shirt in the way I can feel the kiss on my chest. A pinprick of warmth seems to bloom at that tiny point of contact and spreads across my entire body. “Thank you,” she says affectionately, nuzzling her cheek against me.
Alright, maybe laying here together wasn’t such a bad idea after all. We’re both clearly feeling more refreshed after that talk, and Evie lifts her head. “I think I’m ready to watch something now. Is it alright if we stay like this?”
I beam at her and press my fingers into a gentle hug around her body. “I’d love that.”