Depression and Size Kink
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@i-am-insane said in Depression and Size Kink:
The relationship itself has a sort of expectation, even if it’s unstated, that at some point you will talk about this kind of thing, to be open and honest.
What you wrote is so very true, and yet that’s something I still struggle with. I have a hard time opening up and trusting, I always focus on the negative outcomes of any situations, and it’s very hard for me to allow myself to be vulnerable with someone. Admitting this kink is then basically impossible.
A long road ahead for me.
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@foreverlurk
I mean, that was more a broad statement, from that point you have to get more specific; for example, how serious is the relationship? Because for obvious reasons you’re probably not going to tell your new girlfriend or whatever your long held secret fetish, for example? Then you get to questions like, has she told you of something like that, is your relationship strong in that kind of way, and so on and so forth.(Are you even in a relationship? They way you’re phrasing it now makes it sound like you are.)
To be blunt? It’s not a one size fits all kind of situation, is the thing. I’m pretty sure if you checked, there’d be a lot of people on this forum who aren’t totally open about this kind of thing, and… that’s OK? Your relationship is your relationship, not anyone else’s, and it should go at whatever pace you and your partner are comfortable with, not whatever pace is ‘normal’. Normal is honestly kind of a toxic fucking lie, in my opinion, and it messes a lot of people up because it makes so many people go, ‘But I’m not doing it like everyone else!’ when everyone else does it their own personal way, as well.
Don’t try and force it, that’s not going to help. If you’re not ready, it’ll stress you out, mess you up, which would probably get noticed and responded to by your partner (if you don’t end up taking it out on them to some extent, since, you know, people are universally known to be more angry/withdrawn when stressed out, which is great for healthy communication! /s), plus, you may be right in that your relationship isn’t ready. Maybe it’s too early or something. How the fuck would I know if it’s ready or not? I’m not you, I don’t live your life, I’m in no position to tell you when and if that time is, you are.
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@foreverlurk Thanks, I sadly live in place that has banned big pets indoors and considered a hamster/guinea pig but I dunno if that is me.
I’ve walked the fine line of depression for most my life, I only admitted this kink for 2 of my GFs, both thought it was cute but sadly, one was a long distance and one moved away.
Right now, I’m exhausted, hating myself and just done with things.
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@foreverlurk honestly I’ve been in the same boat, and one thing I realized through talking to my counselor about my relationship with G/t is that the question of “did something cause this kink?” doesn’t even really matter. Instead, what matters is how you have used your relationship with this kink in order to support yourself through hard times, and the question of whether or not the ways we indulge in them today are still actually helping.
For me I had to realize that I had lost sight of the healthy ways I used to engage with the community, i.e. Writing stories, reading comics, and other artsy outlets. Instead I found myself jumping from community member to community member in the hopes of finding a connection, i.e. a magical rp session that could fill the void in me.
It might be obvious to some folks on the outside that the lonlyness wasn’t caused by the kink, but god it took me a long time to actually believe that. I’ve since realized that that’s just because I feel more when I am reminded of my kink. Feel more vulnerable, exhilarated, heartbroken, you name it. It’s like my greatest desires turn my emotions to mush and melt away the mental armor that I usually depend on to get through the shittier parts of life.
When it comes with being honest with your conselor, you also litterally couldn’t shock them if you tried. They’ve seen it all, and thus are probably the most equipped when it comes to helping you navigate it and parse through your biases about it.
Good luck with everything!
Gratitude goes a long way.
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@Mimi-Robotto Thank you so much, there’s a lot that resonates with me in what you wrote, but first let me just say that I’m in a better place mentally than when I wrote this. I haven’t been able to talk to my therapist about the kink yet but we did address some adjacent topics. Meds also helped but caused other side effects which I’m still dealing with. Overall I’ve still got a long road ahead but no longer in pure survival mode.
About the void I feel, you absolutely nail it on the head. I’ve never been more myself than when I indulge in RP or semi-RP with tiny ladies. They see a part of me that’s been hidden forever, and they love that part of me. It’s incredibly validating and at the same time, reality comes back twice as hard to crush me. That’s the part that make me feel even lonelier in this life, more so than just the lack of a life partner, but one who sees me without any facade, at my most vulnerable.
Sadly I had to stop my therapy sessions because my insurance ran out and I couldn’t afford to pay for them out of pocket, but I’m restarting them in January, hopefully this time around I’ll be able to push through my mental block and talk openly about my fetish. I feel there’s still a lot to unpack in there.
