@littlest-lily I should have mentioned that I wasn’t single in my youth, I started dating at 16 and wasn’t again (beside a few months in-between) until I was 38. So for me, RPing has always been done “behind the back” of my partners.
I also feel that my maturity and openness in terms of communication didn’t have the chance to grow - we’ve had kids much too young in retrospect, and once you’ve got little mouths to feed you spend quite a few years “forgetting” yourself, not really putting your own needs first I mean. 
My definition and needs vis-à-vis role-playing has evolved with time. I’m with you that I can count on a single hand how many truly great RP experiences I’ve had. Nowadays I enjoy light and casual RP, which can sometimes become more steamy of course, but overall I get my kick out of interacting with tinies pretending you guys are really only a few inches tall, that sort of thing. 
But yeah, I’m thinking it’s something I’ll never really want to stop completely, and being transparent about it is part of the things I want to change in future relationships. You’re asking really good questions to ponder, like playing characters (mine or other ppl’s
) vs myself.
Argh, sorry everyone, I didn’t meant for this thread to become yet another public introspection, hehe. 