Depression and Size Kink
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@skysayl said in Depression and Size Kink:
almost every single pulse ox in my facility is cheaply made and not worth a hollow-punched toonie
Hollow punched toonie, lol I’m stealing that expression.
It was actually in a private clinic (I know, shame on me) and from the look in her eyes she probably thought I was going to flatline right here and there.
I should bring my EKGs next time and explain to her what’s happening lol.
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@blehb That’s the sort of medical condition I could get used to
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Ah, sure, let me add my 3 cents…
So - therapy is good. Talking is good. Talking to non judgemental stranger is even better, you can open yourself up to them with things you’d never mention to anyone in your circle. All of that is good. But - it’s not a silver bullet. It’s not the golden remedy that will work right from the get go. It’s a… Process. God, I hate that word (at least in sports), but it really is one. And I think it’s worth it.
As long as you stay completely open. No boundaries, no pretending you are this “better” person around, dropping the mask of grey normality, just tell the therapist everything you want and need. I spoke about this kink only to internet people, and a therapist. She (therapist) was actually curious about this kink, what fascinates me, what keeps me wanting more of it. Or just pretended to be curious, which is why they get paid for just listening to people, haha.
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@Miri I know it’s going to take some time, I’ve no illusions. I never talked about this fantasy to anyone in real life, so even that first step is part of the process, getting over my self-consciousness and shame. I’m always jealous of how some people in the community can be so open about it.
Takes me a while to open up, even in such a safe space. Wish me good luck for the next session.
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@foreverlurk
Oh, I know it’s not just sexual, it’s the same for me, but it’s more… the implications of it, of how certain relationships have different expectations.Like, I have family and friends, and I talk to them a lot, and tell them a lot of things I wouldn’t tell anyone else, but I don’t tell them my fetishes. There’s no… expectation for it, for lack of a better word, no need. I could tell them, I have a small group of friends who I would, if I had to tell someone in RL, we trust each other with things we wouldn’t really tell anyone else, but again, the lack of a significant other means there’s no reason to tell them, for, like, the sake of the relationship or something.
Meanwhile, even if you’re not having sex about it, having a significant other in some form is… intimate. in a healthy relationship, they’re the ones you trust with that kind of thing, and in a lot of cases should trust with them, because how you desire that kind of thing effects how you act and so on. The relationship itself has a sort of expectation, even if it’s unstated, that at some point you will talk about this kind of thing, to be open and honest.
And I think that’s what I’m getting at (while lacking the proper terminology), because I’m asexual/aromantic, there’s no need for me to tell others about this because of them, or for them, if I tell them it’s only because I want to.
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@i-am-insane said in Depression and Size Kink:
The relationship itself has a sort of expectation, even if it’s unstated, that at some point you will talk about this kind of thing, to be open and honest.
What you wrote is so very true, and yet that’s something I still struggle with. I have a hard time opening up and trusting, I always focus on the negative outcomes of any situations, and it’s very hard for me to allow myself to be vulnerable with someone. Admitting this kink is then basically impossible.
A long road ahead for me.
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@foreverlurk
I mean, that was more a broad statement, from that point you have to get more specific; for example, how serious is the relationship? Because for obvious reasons you’re probably not going to tell your new girlfriend or whatever your long held secret fetish, for example? Then you get to questions like, has she told you of something like that, is your relationship strong in that kind of way, and so on and so forth.(Are you even in a relationship? They way you’re phrasing it now makes it sound like you are.)
To be blunt? It’s not a one size fits all kind of situation, is the thing. I’m pretty sure if you checked, there’d be a lot of people on this forum who aren’t totally open about this kind of thing, and… that’s OK? Your relationship is your relationship, not anyone else’s, and it should go at whatever pace you and your partner are comfortable with, not whatever pace is ‘normal’. Normal is honestly kind of a toxic fucking lie, in my opinion, and it messes a lot of people up because it makes so many people go, ‘But I’m not doing it like everyone else!’ when everyone else does it their own personal way, as well.
Don’t try and force it, that’s not going to help. If you’re not ready, it’ll stress you out, mess you up, which would probably get noticed and responded to by your partner (if you don’t end up taking it out on them to some extent, since, you know, people are universally known to be more angry/withdrawn when stressed out, which is great for healthy communication! /s), plus, you may be right in that your relationship isn’t ready. Maybe it’s too early or something. How the fuck would I know if it’s ready or not? I’m not you, I don’t live your life, I’m in no position to tell you when and if that time is, you are.
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@foreverlurk Thanks, I sadly live in place that has banned big pets indoors and considered a hamster/guinea pig but I dunno if that is me.
I’ve walked the fine line of depression for most my life, I only admitted this kink for 2 of my GFs, both thought it was cute but sadly, one was a long distance and one moved away.
Right now, I’m exhausted, hating myself and just done with things.
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@foreverlurk honestly I’ve been in the same boat, and one thing I realized through talking to my counselor about my relationship with G/t is that the question of “did something cause this kink?” doesn’t even really matter. Instead, what matters is how you have used your relationship with this kink in order to support yourself through hard times, and the question of whether or not the ways we indulge in them today are still actually helping.
For me I had to realize that I had lost sight of the healthy ways I used to engage with the community, i.e. Writing stories, reading comics, and other artsy outlets. Instead I found myself jumping from community member to community member in the hopes of finding a connection, i.e. a magical rp session that could fill the void in me.
It might be obvious to some folks on the outside that the lonlyness wasn’t caused by the kink, but god it took me a long time to actually believe that. I’ve since realized that that’s just because I feel more when I am reminded of my kink. Feel more vulnerable, exhilarated, heartbroken, you name it. It’s like my greatest desires turn my emotions to mush and melt away the mental armor that I usually depend on to get through the shittier parts of life.
When it comes with being honest with your conselor, you also litterally couldn’t shock them if you tried. They’ve seen it all, and thus are probably the most equipped when it comes to helping you navigate it and parse through your biases about it.
Good luck with everything!
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@Mimi-Robotto Thank you so much, there’s a lot that resonates with me in what you wrote, but first let me just say that I’m in a better place mentally than when I wrote this. I haven’t been able to talk to my therapist about the kink yet but we did address some adjacent topics. Meds also helped but caused other side effects which I’m still dealing with. Overall I’ve still got a long road ahead but no longer in pure survival mode.
About the void I feel, you absolutely nail it on the head. I’ve never been more myself than when I indulge in RP or semi-RP with tiny ladies. They see a part of me that’s been hidden forever, and they love that part of me. It’s incredibly validating and at the same time, reality comes back twice as hard to crush me. That’s the part that make me feel even lonelier in this life, more so than just the lack of a life partner, but one who sees me without any facade, at my most vulnerable.
Sadly I had to stop my therapy sessions because my insurance ran out and I couldn’t afford to pay for them out of pocket, but I’m restarting them in January, hopefully this time around I’ll be able to push through my mental block and talk openly about my fetish. I feel there’s still a lot to unpack in there.
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@foreverlurk I have definitely had my fair share of mental illness and I am glad you have access to therapy. I believe I can relate to what your saying in this post. I have body issues and had to go to the hospital because of them. I like to draw myself as a tiny lady to cope with not controlling my height. But sometimes my feelings do get the best of me. I too sometimes wish I could live out my fantasies where I am a tiny woman in a world full of giants rather than live in reality. I too have been going to therapy for my body issues. So I want to say your not alone in your experiences, I’m with you even though I can never fully grasp how you feel.
I am not the best at speaking, I just wanted to bring up my experiences because my mental health issues are also related to my size fantasies. I am sorry I don’t have anything better to say.
Just chillin down here.
Also I only feel comfortable with being tiny.
https://bsky.app/profile/takoalice800.bsky.social -
@TakoAlice8 Thank you for your kind words. I wish I could give you a feel-good story about how in the past two years my life changed for the best, that’s I’m “cured” or that I found true happiness again. Even better, that a tiny lady was living in my walls, a friend or soulmate like in my childhood dreams. But sadly, depression still holds sway over me and neither solace nor peace has been found. But… I’m still here, meds are still helping and I’m still fighting as best as I can.
I’m hoping to restart therapy at some point, but since losing my job last February I don’t have a lot of money to spare. Doing small contracts here and there until I find another job. I’ll say this though… and I’m not saying this lightly - I believe the friends I made in the size community (since my Great Unlurking a few years back) have probably saved my life.
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@foreverlurk I am so sorry about losing your job, I hope things will be better.
I wish I could be that tiny lady living in your walls and I could just peep out to say hello and console you.
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